Apparently, they take their crime news pretty seriously over at the Star Courier in Kewanee, Illinois (population 12,944). They print an exhaustive “police blotter” that lets no malfeasance go unreported. A sampling of events from today’s listing includes:

A subject reported losing a wallet somewhere in the city.
Junk titles were issued to a business on Sixth Street.
A tall grass complaint was received from the 300 block of Beach Avenue.
A complaint of a neighbor draining water from a washing machine out a window into a next-door yard was investigated at Reecy’s East Trailer Park.
Tall weeds were the source of complaint at Beach and South Streets.
Suspicious activity was reported in the 100 block of East McClure Street.
Domestic problems were handled in the 600 block of Stokes Street and at Lake Village Apartments.

That prose is so dry I’m surprised it doesn’t catch fire. Who’s writing this stuff? James Joyce?