I have always liked Ikea. I own several of their low-end bookshelves — those incredibly crappy ones that look as if the wood were composed of popsicles that had been ground up and injection-moulded into boards. They’re so lightweight they’ll tip over if you just stare at them hard enough. But what the hell: They’re cheap, and I bought them while a broke college student.

But apparently the men of America loathe Ikea. Their girlfriends keep dragging them out to buy potpourri bowls or faux-Chinese curtains or whatever, and the guys are starting to freak out. So as a public service, Matthew Baldwin at The Morning News recently wrote a survival guide for Ikea — in the style of a video-game walkthrough:

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IKEA WALKTHROUGH v2.3.1

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IKEA is a fully immersive, 3D environmental adventure that allows you to role-play the character of someone who gives a shit about home furnishings. In traversing IKEA, you will experience a meticulously detailed alternate reality filled with garish colors, clear-lacquered birch veneer, and a host of NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS (NPCs) with the glazed looks of the recently anesthetized.

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OBJECTIVE
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Your goal is to successfully traverse the five awesome worlds of IKEA before your patience runs out. On your first few tries this may seem like an impossible task, but with practice (and this IKEA Walkthrough!) you will soon be able to muster the sense of numb resignation necessary for victory.