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August 05, 2004
The skankiest wines on the planet








Heh. The folks at Bumwine.com have sampled and ranked the worst wines on the planet, most of which cost about $1-$2. Among the scariest is Cisco:

Known as "liquid crack," for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect not unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists that the ingredients are merely "citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color," but anyone who has tried it knows better. Tales of Cisco-induced semi-psychotic fits are common. Often, people on a Cisco binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants. Nudity and violence may well be involved too. Everyone who drinks this feels great at first, and claims, "It's not bad at all, I like it." But, you really do not want to mess around with this one, because they all sing a different tune a few minutes later. And by tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.

In 1991, Cisco's tendency to cause a temporary form of inebriated insanity led the Federal Trade Commission to require its bottlers to print a warning on the label: [THIS IS NOT A WINE COOLER. 8 SERVINGS.] The FTC also forced them to drop their marketing slogan, "Takes You by Surprise," even though it was entirely accurate.

Posted by Clive Thompson at August 05, 2004 05:03 PM

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ยป Wine for regular guys from Majikthise
Does this sound like you?: A lot of these upper class, white liberals need to get over themselves and realize, while John Kerry isn't perfect, a lot of people don't have time for perfect.--Steve Gilliard When your great aunt calls [Read More]

Tracked on August 6, 2004 12:22 PM

Comments

This post provided me with some good conversation at the bar I went to last night. Thanks, Clive!!

Posted by: june at August 6, 2004 12:19 PM

I exist to serve.

Posted by: Clive at August 6, 2004 11:58 PM

I wonder what it is about bad reviews that make me want to sample the product? Bad movies, bad music, and now, bad wine. I wonder if the LCBO will order this for me?

Posted by: marc at August 8, 2004 8:34 AM

That commercial made me want to see one in action.
Why are generically foreign sounding people supposed to seem more trustworthy in advertisements? I can think of many accent-endowed actors trying to get my financial business on TV right now.

Posted by: Pat at August 9, 2004 1:07 AM

What, no Boones Farm Strawberry Hill?! What a glaring omission! It's definitely the finest pink wine on the market, bar none. :-)

Posted by: Fishy at August 9, 2004 9:48 AM

Been there, done that!
On Essayons, (a weekend free from boot camp) I was in MO at a local Motel the first and only time I ever encountered Cisco. I had been waiting for it to come to my area ever since. Now that the years have passed since my "phsycosis" I would altogether avoid it. I can remember drinking Everclear from the bottle... (post-Cisco), and wandering around talking to persons unknown to this day. Woke up the next morning to grab a bottle of Butterscotch Schnapps for breakfast. If you only knew me, and how I only drink on rare occasion, you would see the humor in this memory.
Be careful! And I couldn't be more serious about that. I consider myself lucky to escape without a prison sentence!!!! It does taste like Koolaid!

Posted by: Jerry at August 9, 2004 1:11 PM

Right on -- a testimonial from an actual Cisco user! Thanks for the warning.

Marc, if you really wanna some of that stuff, let me know and I'll pick up a bottle here in NY and ship it to you. [shuddering]

Posted by: Clive at August 9, 2004 1:14 PM

AWESOME! I'll send you an email when I get home from work, and I'll be sure to photo-document the whole thing!

Posted by: marc at August 10, 2004 9:08 AM

yea, i've drinked cisco before... don't remember too much though. my friend had the same problem another time, but somewhat different. she drank most of the bottle, and ended up messing around with different guys. the next day she had to ask me which guy she slept with that night.

Posted by: angela at August 19, 2004 11:07 PM

Goggle Gropups might be usefull for it.
http://groups.google.com/
...............
Reid Berens
(ckimeson)

Posted by: Reid Berens at August 31, 2004 5:52 PM

Hi fellow drinkers! I'm 6 years clean and sober
from drugs and alcohol.Cisco really did me in one
night!I was with my cousin, and we purchased some
beer.He convinced me to try Cisco.After we had
eaten our dinners,we started drinking!The Cisco
tore me up! bad!!I could not remember where I was!
He told me I had to be put out of his car!I laid
on the sidewalk in my own vomit!I woke up the next morning at my cousin's house.My cousin said I managed to talk to a pretty woman, and get a date for the next nite! But that was my LAST, and only time I had tried Cisco!Whatever is in it, will never make me want it!or drugs!Be warned!

Posted by: Clendon Ramseur at September 2, 2004 7:43 PM

damn, no wonder i feel good.

Posted by: Anonymous at September 4, 2004 10:09 PM

**2**

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