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July 24, 2005
Smoke 'em out













Last week, I blogged about Don Watson's crusade to stamp out business-speak jargon. In the comment area to that post, longtime Collision Detection poster Laura pointed out Bullfighter -- a piece of software that scans any document and identifies "bullshit" words, to help people reduce their jargon quotient. It's pretty funny and works quite well; the creators also write a witty blog devoted to exposing managementese.

That's where I first heard about White Smoke, a piece of software that has the opposite goal: It takes a normal document and adds management doublespeak. This is not some Orwellian parody, either. This is a real, serious $49.95 tool intended for a business audience. Check out the Flash demo here, or read the the White Smoke press release, which notes:

By successfully "understanding" context, WHITESMOKE ENRICHMENT can optimize any sentence or text without changing its meaning. For example, the sentence "I am happy with your work" may be upgraded to "I am completely thrilled with your outstanding achievement," or any other agreeable combination. The program also offers a unique "Suggested Phrase" feature. For example, the word "risk" may be replaced by the phrase "walking on thin ice."

My jaw lies on the ground. I knew, of course, that various forms of managment-project software exist; PowerPoint includes a "project wizard" to help you take even the simplest 30-second-long pitch and transform it into a bloated, Soviet five-year-plan that requires an entire morning to click through. But White Smoke -- "White Smoke"?? -- is in a class by itself.

The guys at the Bullfighter blog came up with an ingenious test to find out just how badly White Smoke will mangle a document. They took the following paragraph ...

Our customer service could be better. We have four customer complaints for every 100 items we sell -- slightly worse than our competitors. But what's worse is that it takes two phone calls and 20 minutes to straighten things out. In the meantime, our customers have software that isn't working right. If you believe the research, they're spreading bad news about our software until we resolve the installation problem. Even then, we probably haven't converted them into real fans.

Then they ran it through White Smoke. The result?

Our quality customer service could be better. We have four customer complaints for every 100 individual articles we sell -- slightly worse than our weak adversaries. But what's worse is that it eventually extracts two business calls and 20 minutes to straighten entities out. In the meantime, our enthusiastic clients have computer software that isn't effectively performing right. If you seemingly accept the scientific scrutiny, they're disseminating bad news about our computer software until we suitably settle the innovative installation problem. Even then, we probably haven't transformed them into real fans.

Fascinating. Not only does White Smoke insert blithering nonsense -- it transforms "straighten things out" to "straighten entities out," for example -- but actually changes the meaning of the sentences, by injecting a constant stream of self-deluded preening. "Clients" become "enthusiastic clients"; "competitors" become "weak adversaries". White Smoke literally transforms a normal document into propaganda: Every single sentence is purged of any possible thoughtcrime, any suggestion that one's corporate goal is not striding confidently forward on its shining path.

Indeed, in this respect, White Smoke neatly blurs the mendacities of the corporate world with those of the political one. It's like the Bush aide who last year infamously told the New York Times Magazine that top administration officials are not members of the "reality-based community". Much like White Smoke, they can generate good news merely by claiming it's true. In politics, it seems -- as in business -- sometimes reality needs a little faith healing.

Posted by Clive Thompson at July 24, 2005 12:28 PM

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Comments

Wow.

It's interesting the parallel between Soviet propaganda (something capitalist Western society strongly opposes) and the corporate jargon speak that has evolved out of the commercial and economic industries of capitalist Western societies. It seriously is a White Smoke of foggy, confusing, blithering nonsense, obfuscating the reality of a situation and spinning it to conform to the beliefs (or wants) of whoever is presenting the message.

I think you hit the nail on the head with the parallel between the corporate speak and politics. When Rumsfeld said that the Iraqi insurgents were "in the last throes", it was his glamorous way of saying that things were getting better. When they later discovered evidence to the contrary, the Bush administration started playing a game of semantics, talking about what the word "throes" really means. I think it was a good example of how the message is meant to deceive and confuse, while giving the impression of clarity. Actually that may be a bad example. That might be a better example of how the Bush administration is heavy on the thesaurus and low on the intelligence quotient.

Posted by: Steve E. [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 24, 2005 4:58 PM

Steve, 'twas Cheney who made that claim, but Rumsfeld's even more famous for using Newspeak as well, so I can see why you thought so.

The best thing to be said about White Smoke is that it converts information into something that can easily be blown up someone's ass.

Posted by: braine [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 24, 2005 7:13 PM

Hey, that sounds like a good slogan to sell the software!

Posted by: Clive [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 24, 2005 7:40 PM

My bad.

'twas Cheney. I get those two mixed up. (ie., which one is Satan, and which one is Satan's spawn? I can never remember).

I feel like Lewis Carroll would be a good person to mention here. I feel like he probably made some insightful comment on the ability to say a lot, and not say anything at all, but a direct reference eludes me.

Posted by: Steve E. [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 24, 2005 11:05 PM

Heh. Lewis Carroll!

Posted by: Clive [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 24, 2005 11:14 PM

The Lewis Carroll quote that comes to mind would be this exchange from Through the Looking-Glass:


"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."

"The question is," said Alice, "whether you CAN make words mean so many different things."


"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- that's all."

Posted by: debcha [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 25, 2005 3:33 PM

Clive, are you sure White Smoke isn't a joke site?

Look at the free download page. What company with any credibility (okay, okay, I realize that their product already puts that in question!) posts the email addresses of their happy customers?

That being said, it's a very thorough job of a spoof if it is one...

And I suppose there's a huge market for it.

Posted by: Laura [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 25, 2005 9:12 PM

White Smoke changed the path to my MSWord program. After spending $179.00 in a pro Repairman and confirmation froma whitesmoke support person we were told he had seen the problem before and would have an answer for us in the morning. None came and then all denied knowing anything about it.

I later noticed they had charged me twice for the same program. They have made no effort to refund the double charge and have even stopped answering my E mails. I bought a new computer and so far the mistake I made byt ordering White Smoke has cost me over $1,000.00.

Every request I have made concerning this has only been answered with another number none of which is answered.

You want White Smoke? Be aware they have little to no support, will ignore you if they can't fix a problem they caused, could double charge you and never refund the over charge and they lie repeatedly.

Posted by: Al [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 8, 2006 11:07 AM

Refund:
The day after I posted the above comment concerning the overcharge by White Smoke and the other problems I have encountered. I repeat the day after, I did get a refund for one of the charges where I was charged twice.

But I still have one question. Why has it been one year between my posting and the last posting? Did the outrage only last for one day?

Posted by: Al [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 9, 2006 9:57 AM

Whitesmoke is garbage, don't buy it. This software will make your writing worse and there is no chance of a refund when you find out how bad it is. Don't buy, install it, or recommend it.

Posted by: harryhood [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 27, 2007 9:39 PM

i just bought whitesmoke software this company is cheating don't bay any thing from them. the software i bought wores than the trial and they didn't send me CD which they should, any body knew how i can complain aganset them, i leave in england

Posted by: hate.whitesmoke [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 16, 2008 5:54 PM

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